Sunday, May 11, 2008

Life boat

Star Wars Told by young child

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

A Thousand Kisses Deep

"You ditch your life to stay alive, a thousand kisses deep..."

-Leonard Cohen

Death Rattle

Love is a choice. It's a choice to be vulnerable, a choice to take a risk, it's a willingness to be hurt by the other person, it's letting someone go, respecting their choice, and loving them anyway.

Maybe I'm the greatest fool that ever lived, but I'm not ashamed of loving her or trying to be there for her.

I don't really have any anger towards her. No blame. I hope if she waves goodbye she remembers that I only send gratitude her way, only love.

dark tide

I'm more worn out than I've been in a long time. It feels like some things are falling apart, and all I can do is let them fall.

Nothing is more risky than loving someone. You lay your heart before them, you invest emotion and time into them, and it always ends up being in vain. At least that's the mentality I'm fighting now.

I'm tired of always "being there" for someone else who isn't there for me, and even the small crumbs you get at first, they decide to take back later. I need someone to reach out to embrace me, someone to care enough to move toward me as I've moved toward them.

I don't know. Everything feels so lost.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The young seedling doesn't have to think about growing, it just grows. The same goes for humans. From conception we start to grow, and change. We aren't given a road map or written program to follow. We simply learn by trying, and most often, by failing.

At what point is it that we eventually disregard change for safety, exchanging growth for stagnation, and potential for cheap temporal complacency. We get uncomfortable and stop trying or simply run rather than letting ourselves be uncomfortable while we try to learn what is meant for us to learn.
Being comfortable all the time makes you weak, and then when something truly challenging or difficult comes along it breaks you, destroying all your hope and splintering your determination.
Right now I'm at a dark place, full of shadows, unknown outcomes, and potential land mines. It is a dark place known as love.
I think love is definitely one of those things that requires constant adaptation, communication, and patience. It stretches your limits and shines light on all your embarrassing weaknesses.
Still, I am here, determined to love, determined to push through the hostile seasons and learn more about what it means to care for another human being. I won't always do things right, I'll fumble, be a dork, look stupid, feel ashamed, get impatient, but above all else I will not let myself abandon her for a false comfort. Instead, I will be torn, and stretched and adjusted by the expansion of my spirit as I learn to be vulnerable.
Whatever it is you wish, whether it's to love someone, climb a mountain, or do 5 jumping jacks a day, you can accomplish it, as long as you put more value on pain than you do your comfort. It's just pain, and most of the time, it's simply helping us grow.

Afterthought: We should never stay in abusive situations, that's not what this blog is about. Constantly accepting abuse falls more in to the "Stagnation" category then it does the "Growth" category. It's important that you understand this. Sometimes the greatest courage is required simply to take care of ourselves. Don't let fear stop you from trying new things, changing your life, or creating a new way of thinking...

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Half Light

If you travel to many different countries, you quickly learn that buildings people reside in have many different names. In America, it is our "home" or "apartment", in other countries it may be an "adobe" or "hut" or "castle". Though there are subtle differences it’s core remains the same; it is shelter.

What if all the religions of the world, are simply individual perspectives of the same God, with different names. A being wearing many masks, due to interpretations, the understanding of different cultures, and the misunderstanding human race as a whole. What if every culture’s perspective on God is not meant to be defended or justified.

What if the great destiny of humanity is simply to learn from each other, and what if we combined all of Earth’s religous perspectives? I wonder if each would be a piece of a larger puzzle, that when intertwined, would reveal the true face of God...

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Monday, May 5, 2008


Tonight I watched "Shrooms".
(No Spoilers)

The movie had potential, and with the right imagination could have been horrifically entertaining. Unfortunately, it falls into a bad "Deliverance" movie with an ending I saw coming from early on. It succeeded only in annoying me. It threw dozens of cliches in a blender, mixed it all into a bad, non-engaging script, and slashed our expectations into a bloody mess of disappointment.

I'd rather watch "The Ruins" again. That was a much better film with a more realistic, less contrived plot. It haunted me for days.

Tomorrow I will think of "Shrooms" and try to remember what it was about, then come to realize I just let it steal another precious moment from my life.
Not all veggies are good for ya, including this one!
I give this movie 2 out of five stars.

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Sunday, May 4, 2008


Somewhere in the distance, the sky is churning.
In the tower of a rising cloud, lightning flashes through its numerous layers. It is growing, gaining strength, and the soil sits waiting, dry and burnt. It is desperate for relief, and so am I. This brutal air burns my spirit, leaves me ragged and edgy.
I pray the rain will come soon, and not with violence or brutality, but with gentleness. With grace.
The one I love is so far away, making the night seem empty, and infinite.
I turn on music to kill time, but it only fuels my restlessness.
I've come so far, my love, accomplished so much. And yet it all seems meaningless without you.
The weather comes on and the chance we have of being refreshed by rainfall seems to be shrinking.
I turn off the radio. I sit here in front of the computer breathing slowly.
Aku Sayang Kamu.

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Into the Wild

I recently watched "Into the Wild," and was deeply moved by it, it's been spinning around my head ever since.
What is powerful enough to hurt us most, is also what can save us.
Sometimes escape takes the appearance of a great hideaway, a place we can move from all the things which have hurt us, all the "lies" we've been told. The only escape is acceptance, and learning to let go, and realizing the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. If we are willing to live, to know love, we must be willing to hurt, be willing to experience loss. You cannot know what it means to feel comfortable at a comfortable temperature, until you've experienced excessive cold or heat. As we grow we have to do our best to learn which individuals to let in, which ones to disregard, and we must let ourselves off the hook when we are placed in situations(or put ourselves in situations) which result in us being betrayed.
Bleed. Learn. Love. But never run, or we will spend our lives running, and always running to the wrong thing, this leaves us even more empty, and sometimes, dead.
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