dark tide

I'm more worn out than I've been in a long time. It feels like some things are falling apart, and all I can do is let them fall.

Nothing is more risky than loving someone. You lay your heart before them, you invest emotion and time into them, and it always ends up being in vain. At least that's the mentality I'm fighting now.

I'm tired of always "being there" for someone else who isn't there for me, and even the small crumbs you get at first, they decide to take back later. I need someone to reach out to embrace me, someone to care enough to move toward me as I've moved toward them.

I don't know. Everything feels so lost.

Thirst

Somewhere in the distance, the sky is churning.
In the tower of a rising cloud, lightning flashes through its numerous layers. It is growing, gaining strength, and the soil sits waiting, dry and burnt. It is desperate for relief, and so am I. This brutal air burns my spirit, leaves me ragged and edgy.
I pray the rain will come soon, and not with violence or brutality, but with gentleness. With grace.
The one I love is so far away, making the night seem empty, and infinite.
I turn on music to kill time, but it only fuels my restlessness.
I've come so far, my love, accomplished so much. And yet it all seems meaningless without you.
The weather comes on and the chance we have of being refreshed by rainfall seems to be shrinking.
I turn off the radio. I sit here in front of the computer breathing slowly.
Aku Sayang Kamu.

Please visit http://www.thesecondwomb.com/ or http://www.johnvardell.com/ for more information on John and his music/writing. Thanks for visiting!

Into the Wild

I recently watched "Into the Wild," and was deeply moved by it, it's been spinning around my head ever since.
What is powerful enough to hurt us most, is also what can save us.
Sometimes escape takes the appearance of a great hideaway, a place we can move from all the things which have hurt us, all the "lies" we've been told. The only escape is acceptance, and learning to let go, and realizing the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. If we are willing to live, to know love, we must be willing to hurt, be willing to experience loss. You cannot know what it means to feel comfortable at a comfortable temperature, until you've experienced excessive cold or heat. As we grow we have to do our best to learn which individuals to let in, which ones to disregard, and we must let ourselves off the hook when we are placed in situations(or put ourselves in situations) which result in us being betrayed.
Bleed. Learn. Love. But never run, or we will spend our lives running, and always running to the wrong thing, this leaves us even more empty, and sometimes, dead.
Please visit http://www.thesecondwomb.com/ and http://www.johnvardell.com/ to learn more about his writing and music. Thanks for visiting!