Recently Automne Vein, the band I'm a member of released a song entitled "Letting Go." As we were putting the album together I had plans to redo the vocals at the beginning but my band mate said "don't mess with them, they're fine." Although since recording that, my vocals have since become stronger, but then I guess I have to let go of "Letting Go."
I created the song as a meditative message to my self, to let go, to live in the instant, let the future unravel as it wishes, and let the unchangable past remain in the past.
The phrase in the song that says, "I don't need anyone, I choose to walk alone" refers to me taking a time out, to reflect to heal, to just breathe.
I find myself wanting to write a lot at this moment, but the words just won't seem to come out. I wanted to write something about when the time comes to be open to the idea of connection, connection with someone in friendship, or more. I'm amazed that when I take a few steps toward this, I tend to take a hundred or so back. When you've let someone in and they wreaked havoc on your heart and mind, you want to protect that part of yourself, lock it away, telling yourself "don't be foolish, again." But we all need friends we all need connections, and maybe the fear I'm feeling is another part of healing. Oddly, being accepted or disaproved of isn't the issue, the issue is letting myself be vulnerable enough to take a chance and really letting someone in.
I guess when I'm ready, and fate is ready, it will happen. Until then I'll just keep taking little steps, throwing positive actions against the negative fear I still feel.
And I'll keep reminding myself to let go.