It seems now that spending even a short time in the sun causes me to get sick. Even a few moments leaves me feeling fatigued and makes my sinuses go crazy. I know what caused this...I just didn't expect the effects to be quite this drastic.
On labor day monday I went hiking in Palo Duro Canyon. The temperature at the bottom of the canyon was somewhere between 105 and 110 degrees.
To make a long story short, I suffered heat exhaustion, and was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was well prepared with a lot of powerade, but that didn't help. I got into trouble really fast.
I'm not about to say I came close to dying. The truth is I have no idea. What I do know is, without Elizabeth, I wouldn't have struggled to hang on, I would have just let go. There were moments of peace in that dizzy, nauseating disorientation, laying in the dirt, in the shade of what I think was a mesquite bush, though my memory on that is foggy.
I guess the big question I'm left with is purpose. What is my purpose for being in this world? Maybe the purpose is to learn there is no purpose. There is no special fate that awaits me, no plan that steers my life. At least it doesn't feel like it.
I don't know. It's confusing. What kind of purpose would I want, what kind of purpose is enough?
The thoughts churn inside me, until I force them into silence. I tell myself to just stop thinking. That day, out in the sun, was just an event. There is no signifigance or meaning, unless I project one into it.
For the moment let me be at peace without purpose. I think the following says it best...